We can’t change what we don’t see.
Spring often brings a sense of starting again, and you may notice patterns that repeat in your relationships - arguments that escalate, resentments that go unaddressed, or moments when connection feels harder than it used to.
In Relational Life Therapy, we call the moment of recognizing our patterns “waking up.” It’s when we begin to see how our own reactions - completely understandable ones - may be getting in the way of the very intimacy we long for. Waking up is not about blame; it’s about being empowered to get more connection and satisfaction in our relationships.
It’s often easy to see how our partner makes things difficult; it’s harder to notice how we may be contributing. There are many times when I’ve personally thought: No thanks, I’m in the middle of watching the 500th season of Love is Blind.
But…we can’t change what we don’t see.
Recognizing Our Strategies
Many people think, “That’s just who I am.” Often, these patterns are strategies we learned long ago to cope with earlier hurts. They become so automatic that we identify with them, calling them “who we are.” In reality, they’re “what we do” when we feel certain ways.
The good news? We can do differently without changing who we are at our core. Letting go of these automatic strategies often allows us to become more fully ourselves.
Why This Work Is Hard - and Worth It
Noticing your patterns can be uncomfortable. It asks us to look at parts of ourselves we might prefer to ignore, admit our mistakes, and practice humility. Yet this is where growth happens.
Waking up requires warmth and compassion - for yourself and for your partner. It’s about noticing the moments when you react, the triggers that make you feel unsafe or defensive, and practicing the tools that help you step out of the cycle. You can practice patience, curiosity, and repair - even when it feels impossible.
From Awareness to Connection
Once you notice your patterns, you can begin to choose differently. You can interrupt the cycles that hurt connection and instead respond with clarity, care, and curiosity. Awareness is the doorway to intimacy, trust, and a relationship that feels alive and satisfying.
Spring is a season of growth - and growth in relationships starts with awareness. Waking up is not easy. But it is possible. And it is worth it.
Take the Next Step
If you want to explore these patterns more deeply, join me at the Next Essential Relationship Skills Bootcamp, where couples and individuals practice the tools of repair, deepen connection, and grow through disharmony with guidance, compassion, and support.